The key to being in an amazing relationship is to know what type of man you want and let other types filter out fast.
Women who feel like an empowered supportive grounded man is out of their reach or doesn´t exist, tend to entertain disempowered men for far too long.
If you believe you can build a man up, you are playing with fire.
You want an available man:
– he has a healthy self-esteem (you don´t need to „help“ him ask you out, initiate or progress the relationship forward)
– he knows how to show up for himself and how to show up for you (he is anchored in his masculinity) – he plans, communicates, and stays consistent over a longer period (or as long as you are seeing each other)
– his presence feels safe and calming to your nervous system
– he has solid boundaries (e.g. no entanglements or wobbly boundaries around his ex, work, etc.)
As you let go of flaky men who are not a match faster, you want to build a life that feels amazing to you.
And learn how safety and consistency feel in your body (join The Sanctuary to receive support with that) so you can recognize them in men too.
If you tend to choose a quick fix (a man who is not a match so you won´t feel alone), wait till you meet the man before you do things you always wanted to do (waiting to be rescued) or feel desperate when you are connecting with men (connecting from the little girl in you instead of grown-up woman), you want to tend to your codependent style of relating first and learn to attach securely. To your Self, your needs, and your feminine heart first and foremost. Then to men.
Codependency creates a push-and-pull feeling with men. You resent them for past hurts and at the same time deeply long for their love, presence, and attention that you feel like you need to earn and work hard for.
It´s normal that your feminine heart desires masculine presence, support, and protection.
When you dissolve the resentment and bitterness and learn to discern great solid men, it is going to feel safer for your heart to let one in.
Unhealed resentment shows up as a belief that:
– all men want to use you
– men are another responsibility you have to take care of
– all men are incompetent
– men are irresponsible and selfish
– men never commit or stay around
Which makes you constantly feel like:
– you need to be hyper-vigilant/on your toes around them to protect yourself
– you can´t rest and relax in their presence because you need to help/guide them
– you always need to caretake them and coddle their feelings
– you will be always betrayed, unsupported, and let down
To recognize him and let him in, you want to resolve the push-and-pull dynamic so that it doesn´t stand between you and the type of man you desire.
The man that is your match is nothing like the men of your past.
He will come to support you, he will come to stay, he will gladly carry his responsibility and make your life easier. You can be yourself with him and he will love it.
A woman who has an amazing supportive man and a thriving relationship has decided that she is the supported woman.
When you make that decision you move only towards men, opportunities, and environments where you feel appreciated, prioritized, and your well-being protected.
You can rest in your heart because there is nothing to prove and no one to prove your value to.
And empowered men can get on board with that. They don´t want to rescue a woman (from herself and her pain/beliefs) but they love to feel needed and they would do anything to make your life easier.
When you feel like you deserve all the love, care and appreciation in the world, you will be a match with a man who feels the same about you.
He wants to support you, claim you and make you happy.
He is consistently moving the relationship forward.
He is excited about spending time with you.
And to you it´s going to feel normal, natural. When you become the supported woman you forget that you used to feel like love is scarce, because THIS is how you feel when you´ve done the work of choosing your feminine heart and needs over and over again.
If you are ready to be the supported woman who has a dream relationship apply for one-on-one intensive (1-or 3-month option) for laser-focused support and faster results.
Or join The Sanctuary community for long-term sustainable results at low investment.
I really enjoyed this blog post. After having a relationship, it’s really interesting to see the differences of feeling the need to coddle and encourage them to move things forward, versus having a man whose energy is actually bigger than yours with no pressure on your part. My question is, can I naturally motivate a man to step up for me by supporting myself and your needs? Since I’m already in a relationship? If the relationship has already followed a co-dependent path for quite some time… If the focus returns to myself, will the right man fix himself to be what I need? Thank you!
Only if he’s naturally in his masculine. However, taking care of her needs should be always a woman’s priority no matter what the man will or will not do.
Thank you for responding! I have some confusions surrounding a woman’s role in a relationship. I feel unsure if focusing on caring for my needs is enough contribution. I fear if my relationship fails it would be due to me not doing enough to nurture my partner to stay. I’d be interested in diving into this in a session or in a future blog post! (I’ll also check around to see if you’ve covered this topic). I appreciate your help!
We’ll cover it in the session 😉 but I can tell you right away that that question is coming from the ICH asking – am I enough if I don’t overwork for love?
I feel that. Thank you and talk to you next session 🙂