(Photo by Joanna Nix-Walkup on Unsplash)
When they start researching the topic of femininity, a lot of women find very generic advice that often suggests that if a man is more passive/indecisive they can “help” him step up by learning to be in their feminine energy.
I see many women staying stuck in unhealthy relationship dynamics for years believing that if they just became more feminine or try a little bit harder to inspire their partner, they would turn him into the man they desire to be with.
The belief “If I just give a little bit more, I will finally get what I want” (I need to try hard/change to be loved) is stemming from a deep-rooted codependency.
Believing that you need to “help” a man makes you take on burdens that you were never meant to carry in the first place.
The little child in us who needs guidance and healthy parenting tends to fight with what is.
If she was used to craving love and attention in the past that never came to her freely, she became a master at finding ways in which she needs to improve to be finally worthy of the love/attention/relationship she desires.
Instead of looking for a partner who can match her willingness, effort, and commitment, she allows men who are indecisive and are not willing to step up for her to have access to her time and attention.
This pattern makes a woman work very hard for breadcrumbs in love and relationships and perpetuates her unhealed codependency. All her focus is on changing herself and changing the man she is with.
Codependency makes us put other people´s needs and emotions above our own in hopes that one day they´ll prioritize ours and choose us. We make excuses for their lack of engagement and effort because after all, that is what the little girl in us was used to.
She learned that if she didn´t get things done, no one was going to come through and show up for her.
And so it became natural for her to plan, lead, and move things forward because she is smart and capable so why not?
The tricky part is that if a woman engages in this dynamic she will usually find herself in a relationship with a man who is not her equal; not the right match for her.
Deep down she knows that if she allowed herself to be all of who she is, she´ll be “bigger” than him in many ways (emotional maturity, drive, problem-solving, etc.).
Masculinity is about responsibility, ownership, and growing up.
An empowered man knows that if he won´t lead himself and his life toward his personal goals, lifetime achievements, building a career and family, and leaving a legacy, no one is going to do the work for him.
When you are with an empowered man he doesn´t need your instructions every step of the way to get things done, plan and show up as a supportive relationship partner.
He knows how to commit to things that matter to him, how to sustain them, and how to claim what is his. That is not a question for him and never was.
When you are with this type of a man, getting back in touch with your femininity, learning to communicate your needs and wants in a calm, open, and inviting way is going to take your connection to the next level and open more space for intimacy, depth, and playfulness.
If a woman finds herself wondering if the man she likes is just clueless, shy or needs her help and encouragement if he is not stepping up, in the majority of cases I see, he is not her equal and her match.
A good litmus test is asking yourself – can I easily do what I desire him to do? (ask me out, plan a date, text me, plan trips/fun activities/time together, be consistent in his efforts,…). If you can do it so can a man who is the right fit for you.
If you are not with a partner who is willing to take on the responsibility for moving things forward, investing into you (quality time, presence, effort,…) planning, and making your life easier I want to invite you today to drop the question – “How do I need to change to make him step up?” and start asking yourself – “Does this work for me?”
Can you feel the difference in your body when you ask yourself these two questions?
The first one takes you out of your body and into the analyzing mode, you lose touch with your feminine needs, and with that, you lose your power, which always comes from staying in touch with your heart and desires.
And as long as you are in touch with your heart and needs (the second questions) and you are not afraid of expressing them in an open, warm, and confident way, you don´t have to worry about the right man – your match and equal – not stepping up.
The inner work that needs to be done is not to “fix” yourself but to partner with life and start cultivating trust that you can have exactly what you want without needing to dumb yourself down or mother a man.
The steps a woman wants to take during this process to partner with her own desires:
1. Prioritizing her own needs so that she doesn´t collapse into overworking every time a man is not stepping up.
For instance, if a potential match is not actively claiming her time and investing effort into the connection by planning dates/trips/quality time together instead of “helping” him she turns her attention towards activities and plans that add value to her life. She´ll notice after some time that she feels lighter, energized, and radiant. Investing in herself will start feeling like fun and the burden of pulling people along is being lifted off her shoulders.
2. Learning to recognize the traits and qualities of the empowered man (I teach you this in-depth in The Sanctuary portal) and learning to receive support in all the areas of her life. She wants to practice being comfortable with receiving (help, support, effort,…) and unearth the urge to fix, solve, and save the day on behalf of others.
3. Learning to self-regulate (parenting herself) when uncomfortable emotions come up as she is moving away from old habits to new possibilities and opportunities. She wants to tend to her inner world and build confidence and trust in herself and her desires from within so that she won´t be tempted to run back to the old ways of coping with men and relationships (even in friendships and career) that are not her match.
I teach this process in my private 10-week (or 3-month) program for emphatic ambitious women where you get to restore the health and ease of your relationships and choose a partner who is your true match. If you are interested in lower-investment self-study option, join me in The Sanctuary of a Feminine Woman where I teach the same process.