(Photo by Jessica Rockowitz on Unsplash)
I was reflecting back on the growth that I have witnessed over the last year in ladies who have been joining my individual programs and The Sanctuary of a Feminine Woman and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that once a woman has an access to the right information, a willingness to partner with the process and an unfailing dedication to her heart, feminine needs, and God-given desires she becomes unstoppable.
With the right support and skillset a woman gains confidence (sometimes after decades of searching for the answers) that she can finally win at love and she is not broken, left out, or an exemption to a rule. She realizes that she just didn´t know what she didn´t know, but with the right guidance, she gets to learn, practice, and ultimately implement healthy ways of being in relationships and let the love she has dreamed about into their life.
One of the things that make a woman feel like she can´t win at love and she is being left behind is unhealed heartbreak.
Heartbreak is a felt stress response that changes our perception of love and that creates a feeling of learned helplessness in our bodies.
The trauma of heartbreak leaves us feeling at mercy of men, circumstances, and life in general. It keeps us stuck in waiting and fantasizing about a relationship that will help us escape our current life and the feeling of isolation and loneliness.
But what women usually haven´t been taught is that the feelings of isolation and loneliness are the aftermath of the relational trauma they have experienced. As long as a woman stays unaware of the state she is leading her life from, her subconscious will be tempted to choose partners who amplify the feeling of emotional distance, flakiness, and emptiness that she is used to.
This is one of the reasons why before we start working together women coming into my programs feel like:
– there are no good solid men out there
– love, attention and care are scarce and feel at arm´s length
– they will have to sacrifice a part of themselves to be in a relationship with someone (their wants, needs, desires, career, etc.)
– they have to overgive to receive breadcrumbs
– they and their needs don´t matter
– men are worthless, unsupportive and immature
– they are on their own in the world and have to figure it all out before it´s too late
– only some women get to be loved and cherished and they are not “that woman”
– they need to get it “right” to receive love (dress the “right” way, have the “right” career,…)
– they can´t be themselves in the relationship and have safe love that feels supportive
This is how heartbreak shapes our view of the world, keeping us in survival and our heart captive to obsessing over unavailable love. In heartbreak, we haven´t received love, safety, and security when we needed it the most and it made us believe that who we are is not enough for love and we need to try harder.
The sneaky thing about stress responses and heartbreak is that they short-circuit the way we feel in our body and about the world and we start looping from extreme to extreme. This is usually felt as a pendulum of overworking for love and then giving up on our Self (heart).
It looks like fixating on one man and then feeling utterly hopeless when it doesn´t work out and not inspired to stick with the process of staying open to healthy love.
Or performing for our partner and doing what we think he is expecting from us (twisting ourselves into a pretzel) and then pushing him away and punishing him with resentment and silent treatment when we don´t get the expected outcome.
This emotional roller coaster is being fueled by codependency and learned helplessness where a woman is living outside of her true HOME (her Self and her heart) >>> I am teaching the process of coming home to our heart and developing a solid sense of Self this month in The Sanctuary.
The stress of heartbreak was felt deeply in a woman´s body and if she didn´t have the skills and support to deal with it at the time it happened it will simply keep reinforcing itself in her life over time. She will be collecting more and more evidence that love is scarce, all men are incompetent or that she needs to exhaust herself to receive breadcrumbs in relationships.
Because emotional pain is felt in our body it needs to be addressed on a somatic level first and foremost. Part of the skillset I am teaching women in my 10-week program for new clients is meeting their emotions and needs with tender care and understanding.
The frantic energy of stress-response is what makes a woman swing from extreme overworking to extreme helplessness and keeps her disconnected from her feminine body, sensuality, and the ability to receive with ease (pleasure, joy, exciting experiences, life, her partner,…).
In my programs, a woman gradually learns to recognize the state her body is in and with consistent gentle care, she learns to start meeting her stress responses with understanding and support, instead of shame, self-hate, and frustration.
She realizes that her heart and body are a safe space as long as she is willing to learn to understand the different messages and cues she is receiving through her innate feminine wisdom (intuition).
This restored trust in her body and herself together with the roadmap she receives through teachings in my programs helps her to recognize a healthy relationship partner and she is free to start creating options where she can receive from men and life instead of living on breadcrumbs of love and attention (there is a whole module in The Sanctuary dedicated to recognizing empowered masculine men).
Once she is well-practiced in staying in her body (with the use of somatic tools) instead of looking for solutions outside of herself or in overanalyzing she has more energy and space to gain a deep understanding of how the heartbreak shattered the perception of her world and created what I call the “illusions” that I mentioned before.
The next step is then to start catching herself anytime she engages in the “illusions” and start recognizing them simply as stories her subconscious created to make sense of the world (one of the being – I am not enough for love). However, the illusions usually keep us stuck with a reasoning of a three-year-old instead of an emotional intelligence of a grown-up woman.
Hence, why a woman feels tempted to pick up the slack with a man who is not putting in the effort to move the relationship forward, or why she feels like punishing her husband with the silent treatment and letting him guess her needs is the best option available to her at the moment. Without the right tools and a roadmap, it´s like expecting a three-year-old to parent themselves.
It´s not only hopeless and at times dangerous, but it´s an impossible task for a child because they simply don´t know better. Shaming them, judging them, or telling them that they are not enough is not going to solve the problem; yet, this is what we often do to our own heart.
In fact, that is why we often feel like a little hopeless child, in the area we are struggling with the most. So the last step I teach in my programs is learning in depth about parenting the little girl in us who is still waiting for someone to come and save her and who is fantasizing about men who are not a good fit for her.
When she lets go of the relationship she has been fantasizing about, she can start seeing the men that are in front of her for who they truly are and either receiving or refusing the offers coming her way based on the life she wants to create for herself.
With the right guidance, a woman gets to have healthy options and she gets to take her power back from the little girl who was running the show behind the scenes.
The heartbreak is being healed when instead of asking “How do I need to change?” a woman starts naturally asking “How can I give to myself?” and “What do I need?”.
Can you feel how differently your body reacts to these questions? The first one keeps us in survival and overanalyzing, looking for ways in which we can perform better.
The latter opens the door to emotional availability and a secure relationship with your own heart. The feeling you feel when you ask yourself the last two questions is the same feeling you are going to have with an empowered man who desires to cherish the feminine heart and make you feel happy and safe.
To apply for my one-on-one 10-week program for new clients fill out the application form and if we are a fit, I will be in touch soon.
If you prefer a lower-investment self-study option, check out my membership portal The Sanctuary of a Feminine Woman where I offer you a whole library of resources, practices, and teachings and the possibility to ask me questions in the portal and receive my guidance.