You don´t have to work hard for love, connection, and intimacy: the illusion of not being chosen

The thing that keeps most women who come to work with me from creating more depth, love, and intimacy in their relationship is the misconception that they need to “try hard” or “do” something to experience it.

When women find my work they have usually got to a point where they became tired of being tired. Tired of trying hard to find and sustain love, but ultimately not moving closer to being loved.

It often feels like the more they try to get love from the right man or from their partner the more elusive it becomes and the stronger the thinking, longing, and obsessing over the man and his love and attention gets.

As they move from self-development program to self-development program, the deeply unsettling feeling of being left behind and being destined for a life of solitude, loneliness, and abandonment doesn´t want to let go of their heart.

It´s always there, reminding them that they are running out of time and that no matter how hard they try, they will never measure up. No matter how much effort they put into “self-improvement” they won´t be chosen and cherished.

They are often willing to wrestle themselves and their feelings to the ground and they exert control over how they come across to men to get what they want. But the emptiness in their chest stays no matter what they DO, as a reminder that they are not CHOSEN.

The voice that haunts them and wakes them up from sleep tells them:
– they won´t get it right no matter how hard they try
– they will never be perfect and so they won´t be chosen
– they will make a mistake and will somehow miss out on love (they won´t be in the right place at the right time)

To a woman who feels like she will never be chosen in love the world feels cold, harsh, and without mercy. It feels like God/life/men are judging her every step along the way and if she makes a mistake they will laugh at her, reject her, and abandon her.

She is not only racing against time but also against men and God trying to prove that she is better, smarter, and in control, because the pain that she is trying to escape is coming from an existential wound (a deep cut in the emotional tissue of her heart) that she is not supported by the masculine/life and so she has to keep proving her worth to them. Again and again, until the radiance in her body and devotion in her heart feel worn off and her internal world feels empty, joyless, and harsh.

She is carrying a tight knot of emotions in her chest and stomach and they get poked each time she doesn´t get what she wants – whether it´s attention from her husband or a man not responding to her message.

The “trying hard” comes from a stress response, and if not tended to and restored with gentle care and tender love it can drive her to a point of complete physical and emotional exhaustion and isolation where she ends up withdrawing from life, love, and living on breadcrumbs from men who are living outside of healthy masculinity.

She is more susceptible to men who are not providers and protectors of feminine light but are feeding off her feminine devotion in dark and heavy ways – placing burdens and responsibility on her shoulders that she was never meant to carry.

For single clients the “trying hard” state driven by a deep wound of a woman who is not chosen shows up as obsessing over a man that she has met only a couple of times, thinking and planning ways to get his attention – planning how she should dress, how she should talk to him – and on the deepest level – who does she need to BECOME and what does she need to DO – to get his love?

The fear of not being chosen in the end and the feeling that who she IS is not enough for him, is the illusion and driving force behind her exhaustion and isolation in life.

When we believe that who we ARE is not enough on a fundamental level, we won´t let a man or even other people see our feminine heart as it is – full of emotions, often sensitive and very raw in its experience of life and emotional tenderness.

The harsh world we are living in taught our mind different protection mechanisms that were supposed to spare our heart from pain, but ultimately, they are keeping others and the people we crave love from the most at arm´s length to avoid the pain of being hurt again.

Clients in relationships exhaust themselves by communicating with their man from their head (from the protection mechanism of control) instead of learning to stay in their body, processing the emotional knot and letting the man into their heart and feminine world of feeling and sensuality. The latter is extremely healing and brings relief to both partners.

For a man living in the world of masculine achievement and harshness, his wife´s heart can be a safe haven where he can put the guards down and be himself. But in order to truly BE with him, the woman needs to stop doing, trying hard, and “fixing” her emotions.

She wants to practice BEING with herself first and letting her own feminine presence and heart nourish and restore the radiance and a feeling of acceptance in her body and heart.

If a woman tries to exert her control over a man using her mind and manipulate him to get the outcome she wants, whether it´s more of his presence, attention, or love, he will pick up on it and won´t feel safe to put his guards down.

To him, her forceful energy feels like competition and like he is talking to another man, he is not able to find and feel her heart, and he won´t feel compelled to protect and respect it and cherish her for who she truly is – a feminine woman, worthy of love and protection. He will self-protect and withdraw from the relationship.

And so many women realize they were in the “forceful, harsh, and hardened” state of being only after we start doing the gentle restorative work on the emotional knot they have been carrying in their chest and around the deep cuts in the emotional tissues of their heart.

The gentle somatic work, inner work and coaching around internal and external reactivity and control patterns that prevent love from entering our world and heart is one of the fundamental pillars in my 10-week program for new clients.

We spend a significant part of our sessions untying the knots that tell them to try harder and exhaust themselves for love. We learn to put the swords of control and punishing men and punishing ourselves down and we work on learning to get their needs met in a healthy and supportive way.

They learn to BE with their heart and learn to express themselves from their feminine essence which not only feels nourishing to their body and nervous system but it restores the flow of their own radiance and they tap easily into their femininity, which naturally restores the connection, devotion, and intimacy in their relationships.

Good, emotionally stable men can´t resist an open woman who values her heart and femininity and who knows how to ask for what she needs from a place of knowing that her feminine needs matter, that she is worthy of care and attention and that he WANTS to show up for her.

Once they learn to flow their own energy and attention back to their heart, the emotional cuts and heaviness and harshness in their relationships slowly but surely start dissolving on their own.

The work we do is not a three-step formula, but a very gentle gradual process that makes their heart feel safe, seen, and accepted as it IS, which allows them to experience true self-ESTEEM and a feeling of safety coming from being a cherished woman that is supported by life.

The rock-solid self-esteem and the roadmap I give them in the program help them cultivate discernment when it comes to men and they invite into their life only the empowered ones who offer support, strength, resources, and solutions, instead of tiring work and burdens.

Inviting a good man into her life or completely restoring her relationship with her partner is then just a matter of time and her willingness to implement what she´s learned. I also offer additional support for women who want to keep training in the feminine arts after the initial 10 weeks.

You can sign up for and learn more about 1:1 support HERE.

If the 1:1 support is not the right fit for you, check out my lower investment membership portal The Sanctuary of a Feminine Woman which offers you a library of resources, inner work, practices and so much more on a self-study basis with the option to ask me questions and engage with other women in the portal.

A Miracle Workbook

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