A “when-then” sensation is one of the biggest light dimmers in women and it leads to unhealthy relationship dynamics. The illusion of – I will meet a man once I am fully healed…, I will have love once I am in perfect shape… or I will start my business once I receive the recognition/approval from my boss/industry – keeps women stuck in a holding pattern.
Many otherwise empowered women engage in the “when-then“ illusion, especially in the areas where they feel a lot of hopelessness. For my clients, it´s mostly love, a healthy relationship with a masculine partner, and their career.
Once they learn how a healthy relationship dynamic feels in their body, they are able to leave the “when-then” illusion behind and they navigate their relationships and life with much more ease, peace in their heart, and grace.
I see this pattern often reinforced by religion and self-development – “You are not in a relationship because it´s not God´s timing yet,” and “You need to work on yourself first and then you will attract who you are.”
The majority of women who come to me for advice and coaching are so empowered, so smart, and accomplished that this generic advice doesn´t apply to them and it only makes them feel like they are still not enough and God is withholding love from them until the day they finally become perfect.
What they actually need is to build a solid sense of worthiness and confidence in that one area where they cannot see through the “when-then” illusion.
The moment they connect with their body and we restore a healthy dynamic with their desires and in their relationship with themselves and men through somatic work and staying with their fears and doubts instead of bypassing them, the holding pattern dissolves on its own.
Empowered women used to taking action and moving their life forward, keep asking themselves the wrong question when it comes to receiving love. Instead of “How do I get it right and become the best version of myself?”, we want to shift the question and ask “How do I feel about my feminine heart, and what does my heart know to be true about love and healthy partnership?”.
The thing with the “when-then” illusion that keeps us in waiting, is that at its core it is a stress-response created as protection in times when we perceived love to be scarce and our infinitely intelligent mind, in order to protect us from pain and to keep us alive, offered our heart a time-travel story to a future where we will finally become perfect and thus receive the love we were yearning for, striving for, and hoping for. At that moment the “when-then” illusion was born.
However, the illusion keeps us in severe loneliness, isolation, and hopelessness because the truth of our heart is that we will never be and never were meant to be perfect or reach the ideal our mind created to protect us. And as years go by we learn that we are living in a fantasy that helped our little girl survive the incredible injustice of not being loved and accepted for all of who she was which made her work extremely hard for love.
One of the ways my clients learn to dissolve the illusion and set their feminine heart free is by practicing bringing in the presence of the empowered father they wished they had when growing up while learning to stay with their fears and the full spectrum of human emotions and experience.
Undivided masculine presence is incredibly healing to our feminine heart. Imagine a father staying WITH his daughter when she is feeling sad as he says to her – “I will be here with you for as long as you need me, baby… You don´t have to do anything. I am going to take care of you and we will figure the solution out together.” Can you feel the relief in this kind of protective care and presence?
Empowered masculine doesn´t make you jump through hoops to deserve his love. An emotionally mature father as well as the divine masculine borrows you his strength, he gives you his guidance, and he makes sure you are well equipped for the tasks ahead of you. An emotionally mature father knows that it is his sacred duty to protect his daughter´s heart, help her orient herself in the world, and make sure she is safe.
If we had a chance to be modeled healthy masculine love and protection, then when we go out into the world we can hear that internal voice saying –
I have your back
I am not leaving
You deserve the best
You need to let that guy go he is not your match and he doesn´t treat you right
Every day brings new opportunities and we will figure it out together
And instead of asking – “What´s wrong with me?” the question dissolves through this undivided presence and support, and your inner woman can come in with her wisdom “How am I feeling in this situation? How is this relationship/world impacting my heart? What kind of support do I need in the process of creating a healthy love relationship?”
This Friday in The Sanctuary of a Feminine Woman we are going to do the deep heart-work that helps you get in tune with your feminine wisdom. The last month in The Sanctuary was dedicated to our body, needs, and feminine sensuality. In the upcoming weeks, I will teach in-depth on Father and the healthy masculine. Once you sign up you get access to all the past teachings and it is a membership portal with a monthly fee and no strings attached.
You can apply for one-on-one support HERE.