Photo: Nataliya Vaitkevich in Pexels
One of the keys to creating and sustaining a fulfilling and healthy relationship easier is shifting from reasoning to staying connected to your feminine wisdom and body.
A sneaky pattern that makes it harder for a woman to be in a healthy and fulfilling relationship is thinking her way there, trying to figure her partner out, or trying to figure out who the right partner for her is.
I am not suggesting you take on the half-truths that are now being taught as conventional wisdom such as – “It happens when you stop thinking about it” or “Time heals all wounds”.
People struggling with a specific area know that it is almost impossible to stop thinking about something you really really want (the desire to be in a relationship is wired into our feminine bodies and psyches) when it is not happening for you. Moreover, unaddressed emotions and relationship ruptures tend to get worse over time not better, the same applies to our stress responses that with time develop into chronic symptoms and dis-ease in our body.
Our feminine essence is naturally devotional. It wants to love and be loved. It needs to feel safe and protected.
The pattern I see so many women unknowingly engaging in is reasoning (intellectualization) used at the same time as a coping mechanism and a way in which they fill in the unknown to feel safe.
When safety feels elusive to her, she will use overthinking to help her deal with uncertainty. She will start filling in the missing pieces:
“He promised to call but he didn´t …” >>>
Coping mechanism A: She feels like it is her fault. She feels like she will never be enough. Her mind starts offering her solutions that look like reading one more article about feminine energy and spending the rest of the night thinking about what she has done wrong and how to fix it. Her safety is found in the belief that once she figures out what is wrong with her, she will be able to “fix herself and inspire him”. She is entrapped in a codependent loop with emotionally unavailable men.
Coping mechanism B: It feels humiliating and like a defeat. She feels abandoned, ashamed, and used. The emptiness in her chest feels suffocating. She knew it… she shouldn´t trust men, her heart is not safe with them. She will never ever open it up again. She will try to forget about the desire to be in a relationship by taking on more work and if it doesn´t go away she will learn to live with it, but she won´t open her heart to uncertainty. Her safety is found in having control over her heart and life. She starts isolating herself.
“He promised to call and he didn´t …” >>>
Safety: Hmmm, interesting… Something to take note of… and she goes about her day.
When you have practiced holding yourself and your emotions in a loving embrace, you don´t feel the need to fill in the rest because safety is your starting point, not the final destination or “When… then” condition.
You give yourself opportunities, not ultimatums or fantasies.
Fantasy: When I become perfect, I will get the love I want.
Ultimatum: I have to find out what´s wrong with me or I will end up alone. There are no good men out there.
Opportunities: Someone who doesn´t keep their word, doesn´t feel like the best fit for me. Did it happen before? Or was it an emergency? I can ask him with curiosity or I can explore other options that are a better fit.
If a woman´s driving factor is the belief that love is scarce, unhealthy coping mechanisms disguised as urgency and hopelessness will make her choose disempowering options and drive her into the arms of an unsafe or unavailable partner.
And she won´t know about it because she doesn´t have the reference point for safety. Scarcity and urgency are also driving her further away from her heart, from her desires, and from God´s design for her life – the truth that she is already always loved and cherished.
Almost every woman who starts working with me realizes that the difference between reading about the “inner work” and getting her hands dirty and doing the work needed to create new and healthy patterns of relating to her man, to her kids or career/biz is the difference between staying stuck and trying to fix herself for years and actually being in a healthy and loving relationship.
We start working together on bringing her back into her body and creating a reference point for safety. She learns to address the feelings of urgency, desperation, scarcity, and abandonment so that they don´t run her life and decisions anymore.
The danger of reasoning is that you are disconnected from your womb and gut – from the seat of your feminine wisdom and instincts. The more you are in tune with them the faster you can discern red flags and situations/people that compromise your well-being. You are not trying to “figure it out” you now simply know.
Red flags (flakiness, passive-aggressive behavior, etc.) are always leaving an impact on a woman´s body and emotional state. I show my clients how to pay attention to the impact and honor their need for safety and security.
They learn to rebuild emotional intimacy with themselves and create an attentive and reliable relationship with their body and feminine core which fosters a sense of security in their life and relationships.
They start understanding that a masculine partner is wired to offer solutions and fix problems. Meeting his masculine energy with your reasoning creates conflicts and builds walls where there were none.
Honoring and understanding that both of you are giving and receiving love in different ways restores trust in your relationship and helps you build foundations for a healthy family and a nourishing home environment.
Cultivating emotional availability allows us to close doors on unsafe situations and open doors to more love and deeper intimacy where your feminine essence is seen, cherished, and appreciated.
If you are interested in 1:1 support I have a 10-week Whole & Worthy program optimized for new clients, which is a low four-figure investment and you can apply HERE or by replying to this email.
If you would like to start doing the inner work but at your own pace and in a lower-investment program I have just recently opened my membership portal The Sanctuary of a Feminine Woman. We are finishing month 1 which was all about the feminine as the receiver and restoring our relationship with the masculine. Month 2 is dedicated to emotional availability and creating safety in your body. Members get access to all the published materials, teachings, and practices.
