(Photo by Heather Mount on Unsplash)
“He didn´t call me and it hurts so much again. I don´t know what to do…“
Many of my clients have already gone through therapy and countless programs, they are successful in other areas of their life, but still can feel this way about a man they are in a platonic relationship with (I call it the fantasy relationship). They haven´t spent enough quality time together, being with that man can even mean compromising some of her values and standards, but nevertheless, my clients are usually light years ahead of the reality of the relationship.
When she tells me that she doesn´t know what to do at this point, it is an indication for me that she has already tried a lot. And also that at a deep level she has made her self-worth conditional and confuses it with her performance.
So this is usually how the advice she has stumbled upon goes:
Law of attraction – Just imagine being with him! Others in your reality don´t have free will. It is important that you imagine from the end! (Ooh trust me, she has done that already… countless times… and that is why it feels like she has been stuck forever in the fantasy relationship) Any time you feel bad, just imagine how you are going to feel when you are with him. (She has done that as well – I call it the inner addict. This part of her can be obsessed with an unavailable man for a couple of years and then wake up to the harsh reality that he is marrying someone else).
Mindset and some of the spiritual programs – Those are just thoughts! They are not real. You can control them! (This is great advice if you want to reinforce the inner split in her psyche and lack of self-trust even more. A woman with a strong inner critic has already been controlling herself her whole life and believing that the better she can perform the higher her chances are to receive the perfect love she has been chasing for since she can remember. That is also why the “control” methods often feel intuitive to her and she can be “improving” herself for years).
Surface level dating and feminine energy teachings – lean back, stay busy, use this specific script and the result is guaranteed (What she hears is – punish him every time he is protecting his sense of self and doesn´t want to validate your insecurities, pretend that you love your life and perform even more so that you can finally deserve the intimacy that feels incredibly elusive to you).
This very shallow inner work simply becomes another driving factor behind her escape mechanisms. Until now she was running away from herself and the “truth” of a core belief/illusion that she has developed and using the escape mechanisms as means of soothing the pain: Over-analyzing everything, Performing, Trying to figure it out, Needing to be perfect before she can move forward, and so on.
By the time she finds me, she is at crossroads in her life and a part of her is coming to terms with the fact that most of the “methods” she has tried are ungrounded, keeping her stuck in more pain, and feeding the inner child fantasy, emotional addiction, and inner emptiness.
Mere intellectualization of “what is wrong with her” or even more detrimental bypassing of her inner dialogue and parts of her that weren´t given the chance to grow up, is keeping her disconnected from her true wisdom and for a lack of a better word – the beautiful feminine serenity and warmth that we naturally radiate when our sense of self-worth is built on a rock-solid foundation of an unobstructed connection to ourselves, our wisdom and desires, others in our life, and life itself.
To create a solid foundation for relationships that feel supportive, safe, nourishing, joyful, and exciting in a good way (not the excitement of the addictive highs-and-lows) we want to work with the mind-body-emotion system as a whole. We are integrating the masculine and feminine, the intellect and intuition.
That is why in my one-on-one program we work on three crucial areas:
#1 Feminine genius – I guide my clients towards cultivating a deeply intimate relationship with themselves and their heart where no part of them is off-limits, shamed, or labeled as negative. Accessing the ability to connect and understand the language of their body, emotions, and subconscious often feels “counterintuitive” or like they are growing a new muscle but it is inevitable if we want to dissolve the confusion and mental restlessness and help her discern a healthy relationship partner as fast as possible, so that those who are not a good fit don´t deplete her energy and so that she doesn´t waste her precious time on fantasy relationships.
#2 Masculine support – I use a specific set of mind-body practices that help my clients to regulate their nervous system, create an internal support system, and learn how it FEELS to be in a healthy relationship dynamic (sometimes for the first time in their life). They learn how to slow down their defense mechanisms while exploring and anchoring a new feeling of being the RECEIVER (which naturally and gently dissolves the performing and overgiving mode). This new mind-body connection translates into every area of their life from parenting to romantic relationships and relationships with their family members and for many of them leads to greater success and fulfillment in their career.
#3 Integration and expression – We allow the newfound sense of freedom and healthy relationship dynamics to inform their external support systems through tangible baby-step actions. My clients are allowed to “protect” the parts of them that were the driving force of the unhealthy behavior and they learn how to nourish them and their needs in a healthy way. Because they have learned to open up the communication between their subconscious (body and emotions) and conscious mind, they don´t need to look for invisible blocks or obstacles. They simply get to be themselves. Creating this level of self-trust rehabilitates their trust in the external masculine and life itself.
This is what I teach new clients in my 10-week Whole and Worthy program for emphatic ambitious women who want to find an empowered partner without overworking themselves or those who want to deepen the intimacy in their existing relationships and cultivate a sense of fulfillment and feminine genius in their career. The program consists of ten private 60-90 minute-long sessions and individual homework for deeper integration. My private program is a low four-figure investment and if it sounds like you are the right fit, you can sign up by filling out the application form.