There are two ways we can approach the inner work, self-development or really anything that we do to change our life (i.e. working out, being on a diet, healing an illness, chronic pain, etc.)
The first way is seeing ourselves as not enough, broken, and in need of improvement. Basically, we´re using the inner work to earn the outcome we want. This approach usually gives you an initial high, initial motivation which ultimately wears off and you end up more frustrated than before because you´re coming from a place of self-hate instead of self-love.
Then there´s the other way, which in my opinion is the one that´s truly sustainable. And I don´t like to even call it self-development or healing, because many women tend to associate it with the beliefs and programming that runs in our minds and that tells us that we´re broken, we need to try harder, and that we need fixing which ultimately is not true and is not in alignment with how feminine energy works. What I like to call the process I work with is deconditioning.
The deconditioning work is all about letting go of patterns and habits of thinking, feeling, and living that are not serving us and that are preventing us from living the lives we want to live.
What we need right now more than anything is to change our inner world which will in turn change the way we see ourselves and others and we´ll be able to live in a whole new way, in a new paradigm where we no longer feel the need to suppress our emotions, to abandon ourselves again and again to fulfill everyone else´s expectations and we´ll simply become whole emotionally mature human beings.
Here´s a simple process that will help you to dissolve the unhealthy thought patterns and suppressed emotions.
It all starts with self-awareness. Once you became aware of a feeling and thinking pattern that you´re constantly experiencing, you´ve done half of the work. For instance one of the biggest wounds that women experience is the feeling of not being enough and not feeling safe and supported that can lead to situations where we abandon ourselves, in order to prove our worth we become people-pleasers and we look for external safety, security, and validation that feeds the unhealthy cycle.
This pattern in turn creates a frequency or a state of neediness and repels the very thing we want to call in or create in our life.
Because the thing is if you don´t already feel safe and secure within yourself without needing the external conditions to be in place and if you can´t rely on your inner masculine energy to protect you (by setting healthy boundaries, by speaking your truth, etc.), you´ll call into your life people and experiences that will use you and that you can´t rely on anyway. Even if you met, let´s say a potential partner who is reliable you wouldn´t be attracted to them because you don´t know how safety and security feel – you haven´t been cultivating these feelings within you, so you are not an energetic match to this frequency/experience.
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Start becoming aware of situations where you feel like you´re not enough or you don´t feel safe. Awareness is something that needs to be practiced constantly and in the beginning, we tend to slip into reactive/survival mode where we´re not able to create a space between the trigger and our response. And it´s only when we´re able to master our focus, harness our awareness and prevent ourselves from reacting that the healing or deconditioning can start.
Let´s say someone said to you a mean comment that triggered the feelings of not being enough. A whole person without all the layers of conditioning and harmful thoughts going on repeat in their minds would be like – whatever… what you think is your business and I don´t relate to your opinion of me at all. And then they´d consider if they want to set an energetic standard – if they want to keep that person in their life or set some conditions or boundaries in place. On the other hand, a person with the conditioning of not feeling enough will start defending themselves, proving their worth or their slipping into a downward spiral of shame, feeling bad and being triggered.
When the wound/trigger is experienced as uncomfortable emotion that wants to get our attention, the moment we stop pushing it away and stop blaming others for the way they make us feel we take our power back by taking responsibility for the way we feel.
Your feelings are the gateway to your subconscious mind and until you take them into consideration you can experience hitting an invisible wall in the areas that are the most important to you.
The healthy feminine way of living and experiencing life is getting curious about the way you feel, accepting it, and then looking at the emotional triggers because you know that they´re coming with an important message. Now you have the discernment and you know that whatever you suppress stays in your magnetic field/ emotional field and will be reflected back to you as external conditions, events, and struggles.
The third step is to start generating the feelings you want to experience and thinking the thoughts that you want to turn into new beliefs. You´re working with healthy masculine and feminine energy within you. Your conscious mind is your inner masculine whose role is to protect you, support you, and create a structure so your feminine part – the subconscious mind will be able to feel safe, protected, and able to receive only what benefits you.
This third step bridges your conscious and subconscious inner world. You learn to pay attention to the way you think, feel, and the intentions from which you act. And it is not as much about taking on new programming, but about returning to your natural state of joy, peace, and excitement for life.
Your feelings will help you to discern which thoughts and emotional triggers are stemming from a fear-based conditioning because these will make you cringe internally and put you in a flight or fight mode. On the other hand, thoughts that are part of your true nature and that are a part of your original energetic blueprint make you feel expansive, satisfied, safe, and at peace. For instance, I am enough exactly as I am is a reflection of your true nature and allows you to relax, whereas, the thought I am not good enough, I have to try harder is a fear-based programming you received as a part of our current societal conditioning, it makes you contract and it makes your experience of life much more difficult.
The fourth step then is to start building momentum towards staying in your natural states of expansiveness and peace as much as possible. And the exercise I want you to try is that every time a thought pops up in your mind or you hear someone sharing a belief that doesn´t make you feel good you, first of all, realize that you have the power over what you want to believe and what you want to receive into your subconscious. You let your inner masculine energy kick in and you say to yourself: I don´t feel good, my body is rejecting this thought because it´s not a part of who I really am. Then you let your inner masculine support you with self-soothing inner talk and you can set an intention to call in a better feeling thought or in other words a thought that reflects your truth.
You can imagine that you have an access to protective energy that is activated whenever you need it. For instance, if you´re an empath or a sensitive person you can decide how much of other people´s feelings or beliefs you´re going to allow into your space, field, into your mind. Activating this power within you is a constant practice.
And the last piece is to come back to your preferred state of feeling and live from it as often as possible. The truth is that we have been conditioned out of our natural joyful state so it takes some practice to shift back into it on demand.