Does the idea of asking for a pay raise freak you out?
Are you bitchy and manipulative, but can´t help yourself?
Or my favorite… Are you afraid to say “no”, so you sacrifice yourself, your time and your needs, and then resent others?
If you´ve answered “yes” to at least one of the above, I marvel at your self-awareness.
Know that it´s the first step towards taking your power back and changing your life.
What makes me qualified to say that?
Well, I used to let myself down all the time. I was afraid to ask for what I want. And I was the worst at setting boundaries, which always left me with two options: either to manipulate or resent everyone in my life.
Procrastination was my best friend and I just couldn´t GET. THINGS. DONE. Taking any action on my dreams and goals would leave me worn out for days.
I searched for any teacher, any technique, and any book that would help me out of the rut.
And I have to warn you. I´m a sucker for self-help books and personal development podcasts.
The Power of Now, The Four Agreements, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, 5 Love Languages,… You name it, I´ve read it.
But I was still stuck in the victimhood mode and wasn´t aware of it. I tried to positive-think myself into a better place and I used tons of affirmations. Then I got excited when things started to shift, only to hit another bump in the road.
I´ve also tried my fair share of meditations, completed two yoga teacher training, and was left more clueless than ever before.
Until… I´ve stumbled across the concept of the healthy vs. wounded masculine and feminine.
Quick Intro to Healthy Masculine and Feminine
Maybe you´ve heard about the rising of the feminine.
Our world is out of balance in many ways.
We´re hustling all day long and worshipping success more than anything else just to be defeated by the burnout. We´re expecting linear progress and don´t want to admit that life comes in cycles.
As women we wanted to show that we can do all that men can do, but forgot that our superpower doesn´t lie in becoming a man.
That´s why the spiritual movement started to celebrate all things feminine. We needed to counterbalance the goal-oriented, rigid nature of the world we´re living in.
You know, my grandma always says “all in moderation”. And she repeats it often.
When I tried to sell her on a healthy diet, her response was, “All in moderation, honey.” The other day I was explaining why I exercise regularly and don´t drink alcohol, she nodded and suggested, “All in moderation, sweetheart.”
I think she knows that I´m an all-or-nothing type of person. Maybe that´s why she repeats it so often. She hopes that one day her words will, finally, sink in.
But we are also an all-or-nothing society.
It explains why with the rise of the gentler way of the feminine — represented by yoga and meditation movements, crystals, and other spiritual tools — the masculine has gotten a bad rap.
It doesn´t matter whether you are a man or a woman you have both energies within you: masculine AND feminine. It´s never either-or.
As a woman, you can tap into your masculine energy and as a man, you have access to your feminine energy. Yet, one of these tends to prevail.
I know that this topic might get a little confusing and oftentimes uncomfortable, especially when you identify with 9 out of 10 unhealthy feminine traits. But no worries. I´ve been there and I´m still alive, well, and willing to make your journey easier.
So make yourself comfortable, feel free to take the rose quartz out of your organic hemp bra, and buckle up before we take off.
Three…two…one. Here we go.
Meet unhealthy feminine expressions:
- Afraid of loss
- Stuck in victimhood
- Excessively attached
- Desperate for love, chasing love
- Stuck in feelings, cannot be rational
- Sacrificing herself
- Over shares her emotions and has no boundaries
I bet you know at least one woman who does it. She´s chaaaasing love and would neglect her feelings and abandon her integrity for the first… ehm… let´s say… not a quality guy, who stops by.
Let´s be honest. I do it as well. I´m thinking “oh my gosh, that´s exactly like….!”
Yet, we all have layers of the unhealthy feminine within us. Men as well. (Sorry, guys, but I´m not going to leave you out of this!)
I´ve already warned you that I´ve read every self-development book I could lay my hands on.
And what do they all have in common? Even though the delivery of the message varies they at least agree on one thing: You can only change your own life. And you do it by becoming aware of your own behavior.
To reap the benefits of the information I´m sharing with you, from now on, whenever you read something that triggers you, come back to yourself and ask: “Where am I doing this?”
OK, now let´s look at the wounded masculine:
- Attachment to success
- Fear of failure
- Need to be right
- Cold and distant
- Critical and judgmental
- Stuck in the mind, not in touch with the emotions
- Defending himself and attacking
- Apathetic, loss of interest
I´d like to make a quick pause here and explain a little why I use the word wounded masculine and wounded feminine.
Imagine that you want to bake a cake.
Are you going to use a hammer?
Sometimes that´s exactly what we do, when we try to “fix” ourselves and others.
I bet that as a human being reading this kind of an article, you´ve been told once or probably many times that you´re too _______ fill in the blank.
Too loud? Too sensitive? Too passionate? Too phlegmatic?
We are growing up in a society that follows certain norms and rules. And this is for another post. So let´s leave it there.
My point is that to please everyone around us we twisted ourselves into a pretzel and suppressed the healthy expressions of our feminine and masculine parts.
Let´s say that you as a little girl were praised for your beauty and good grades. Your parents were proud of you only when you brought home straight As. No one ever told you, ”I love you for who you are and I enjoy being in your presence.”
Instead all that you heard was, “Look at her, another A, this is my girl. Keep it up!”
The attachment to success you experienced while growing up makes you seek external validation. In this case your “wound” feels like emptiness, depression, self-hate and can manifest in your life as perfectionism or people-pleasing. The praise of others is going to work as a temporary band aid.
To understand how it looks like when we´re living from a place of healthy feminine, here are a few signposts:
- Strong and has boundaries
- Loving and supportive
- Vulnerable, compassionate and authentic
- Receptive and confident in her body
- Intuitive and creative
- Playful, joyful, fun and sensual
- Asks for what she needs
- Enjoys the process of creation
- Trusts her intuition
- Able to relate to others by listening, sharing and creating a community
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While the healthy masculine is:
- Present without being distracted
- Committed and powerful
- With deep integrity and humble
- Focused and disciplined
- Supportive and encouraging
- Grounded and of service
- Honest, logical and accountable
- Able to face fear
- Reflective and peaceful
Sounds amazing, right?
The good news is that we can definitely cultivate all of the healthy traits within us. We can even heal the unhealthy behaviors.
If I told you that, if you keep reading till the end all your problems will be solved overnight, I´d be straight up lying.
However, I´ve picked up some pretty awesome tools and found many delightful teachers along my journey and I´m eager to introduce you to all of them right now.
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So, here are my life savers when it comes to shifting the limiting beliefs and behaviors around the masculine and the feminine.
1. Over It and on with It Podcast
I don´t remember precisely when I stumbled across Christine for the first time, nevertheless, it was love at first sight.
Christine Hassler is a best-selling author, keynote speaker, but most importantly a brilliant master coach. She has the unique gift of cutting all the BS and piercing right into the heart of her callers.
Even though I´ve binge-listened the majority of her podcast episodes, two of them are dealing directly with balancing the masculine and feminine energies.
Ladies, I recommend you check out episode #192 Healing a Father Wound with Amanda, especially if you aren´t feeling supported in your romantic relationship. Christine coaches Amanda out of the hurtful patterns she learned from the relationship with her father.
I personally enjoy the part where she helps her to tap into the supportive fatherly voice.
If there´s a brave man out there who´s kept reading this far, I suggest you give a try to episode #244: Finding the Right Balance of Masculine and Feminine Energy With Mark. It´s a medicine for men, who´re feeling disconnected from their purpose, went through a divorce, are obsessed with their ex or those who are dealing with all of it at once. Just like Mark.
What you´ll learn:
The interesting part about healing is that it´s never achieved by fighting unhealthy patterns. And Christine knows this too well. She rarely uses hard-core motivation to boost the confidence of her clients. Instead she finds their wound, shows them how to stop pressing on it and how to give it enough care and fresh air so it can heal on its own.
2. Guided Meditation — Connect to Your Divine Masculine Energy
Another tool from my toolkit is this beautiful guided meditation. It helps us to connect with our healthy masculine. Listen to it the first thing in the morning or right before you go to sleep and enjoy the magical combination of drum beats combined with heartwarming vocals and guided visualization. It´s free and only 13 minutes long, so make sure you check it out.
What you´ll learn:
There´re many free beautiful resources out there and if you´re ready and eager for a change you´ll always find exactly what you need, when you need it. And of course that the change starts within.
3. The Expanded podcast
Masculine energy is closely related to money dynamics and self-worth.
This episode of The Expanded podcast with coach Lacy Phillips covers money as energy, masculine worth energy, lack mentality and limiting money beliefs.
It´s great for those who are struggling to stay in their worth and tap into the masculine assertiveness in the area of finances.
What you´ll learn:
The limiting beliefs around money that you´ve picked up from your parents might have influenced the balance in your bank account more than you think.
And that love and money are related!
4. Laura Ansell
Laura is a coach that shines the light on all the shadows and unhealthy manifestations of our masculine and feminine energies. In this particular video call and Q&A session she addresses the feminine side of us and answers the questions that might pop up in your mind when you´ve been on the inner healing journey for a while.
She also teamed up with Jared Bull and they´ve created series of LIVEs where they discuss the distorted and awakened masculine/feminine.
Check this one out only if you´re willing to dig deep. Otherwise, don´t say that I haven´t warned you!
What you´ll learn:
The drama in your relationships might as well reflect the drama that´s going in your mind and heart. Period.
5. Divine Masculine and Feminine Healing Meditation
What you´ll learn:
To relax and receive what you need.
As we´re wrapping things up over here, remember that rigidity and judgment are not a part of the healthy masculine or the healthy feminine.
Keep it playful and have fun with the information that you´ve just discovered.
Trust your own wisdom and it´ll help you to integrate the changes you need in order to live a balanced and fulfilling life.