How to be single and whole at the same time

Let´s face the truth. It is hard to live a single life in a world where finding that one special person who should complete you is considered to be a peak of a human experience. We believe that we can´t be really happy alone and we need to find someone who is going to give us their love so we can finally live happily ever after. I´ve seen a lot of women, myself included, desperately looking for their soulmate. We believe that once we´ve found the right person, we´re going to feel fulfilled, happy and loved. Meanwhile, we´re frantically searching, we´re hurting, we´re in pain and we´re dragging our broken hearts everywhere we go. We don´t pay attention to the people and the work that is in front of us, because they´re not as important as the love of our lives that we are supposed to meet one day and then we´ll be at last allowed to exhale with relief and to live the life of our dreams. However, until then, we´re not complete, yet. The harder we try the more difficult it seems to be to find the one special person who´s going to save us from our pain and to make it more difficult, this search is usually connected with a lot of shame. You might have asked yourself for a thousandth time this year whether you´re good enough, if the one you thought was meant to be yours didn´t see the value in you. I´m sure you´re asking whether there´s something wrong with you, if you´re the last one among your friends without a partner…

No, my darling friend, you are absolutely fine, beautiful, perfect, wise and full of kindness and grace. The only person who hasn´t been able to see it, yet, is you. My wish is that after reading the following words, you´ll feel whole, reconnected and you´ll know where to look for the love you´ve been waiting for. I hope my heart will reach yours and you´ll be healed one word at a time. Keep in mind that the truth is sometimes uncomfortable but it´s always setting us free from the torture we´ve been imposing on ourselves. Your heart´s been trying to tell you something you weren´t ready to hear but now is the time to be still and to listen. And it is in the listening that you´ll get your whole life back.

“If you realized how beautiful you´re, you would fall at your own feet.”  Byron Katie

Too often we give our own heart away to someone who shouldn´t be carrying it in the first place and then when they don´t treat it with respect, we´re going to blame them for our lack of discernment: He lied to me, she wasn´t who she pretended to be at the beginning, he didn´t treat me the way I should have been treated, he used me, she broke my heart… Let me ask you a question. Or maybe even a few, so we can bring together all the broken pieces. I´m sure your mind is going to protest and it´s going to bring you all the evidence to support the fact that he lied to you and I´m not denying that he did.  Nevertheless, your heart wants to talk to you, remember? Are you willing to listen or do you prefer to keep your pain? So these are the questions: Where did YOU lie to yourself? Be honest. Did it feel right to go out with him or were you just being desperate? Did he show you who he was, but you were not willing to see it? Have YOU been who she thought you to be from the beginning? Get still. What have you been hiding from her? And most importantly what have you been trying to hide from yourself? Why did you think you had to lie? What is it that you don´t like about yourself so much that you don´t want others to discover it? Did YOU treat yourself the way you should have been treated? Allow the truth to show you. How many times did you lower your standards so he can reach them? How many times did you forget who you are so you can be with him? How many times did you dumb yourself down so he won´t feel frightened? I know that answering these questions is not easy and you feel like your heart is about to explode, but you deserve to know the truth. And the truth is exactly what you´re going to get when you start answering them honestly, straight from the heart. Where did YOU use him? Maybe you just wanted to fill the emptiness in your heart with his presence. Maybe he was supposed to be a distraction you used in order to avoid your fears and your insecurities. Did you use him to feel more confident? Did you let him treat you the way you don´t want to be treated because you were too afraid that he is as good as it gets and you didn´t want to be alone? Again?… So this is going to be the last one for now: Where did YOU break her/his heart? And where did YOU break your own? Did you know he was not what you´ve been looking for but you´ve stayed anyways? Where you honest with her? Did you tell her what you were thinking or you weren´t strong enough to speak your truth and now you´re mad at her? Only you can honestly answer these questions so keep this one thing in mind: the greater your dedication to the truth, the sooner your suffering will be over. Write your answers down and sit with them as long as it will take for the truth of your heart to illuminate your mind.

I believe that there´s only one type of love. It is the love that flows through us when we´re connected to our heart. This connection stems from the knowing that we´re not separate but that there´s a power greater than us, which created us whole, divine, unique and perfect and we can´t do anything to change it, even though at times we try really hard. We´re being guided and loved every step along the way and if we´re not feeling this love, it´s not because the one special person is missing in our life, but because of the lack of the connection to who we really are. The love I´m talking about is available to you in every moment. It is not dependent on the outer circumstances or other people, neither it´s coming to you or leaving you at certain moments. The connection to your Source/God is always available to you, but you can decide to ignore it, not to cultivate it and instead to go out into the world and look for it outside of yourself – preferably in someone who is really attractive and who´ll look good in every photo you´d post together and at every party you´d show up as a couple. The moment we start looking for love outside of ourselves, is the moment when we´ve started to participate in a race we´re never going to win. Quick fix can never be a foundation for everlasting happiness. Believe me, you don´t want something so precious as you own love and your own joy to be in the hands of another human being, who´ll never know your heart as well as you do. The other person, no matter how special they may be in your eyes, can never ever fill the hole caused by you not loving yourself enough. It´s like pouring water into a jar that´s leaking – frustrating and without a purpose.

We ´re so afraid of being alone with ourselves and so terrified of what the other people are going to say, that anyone will do, literally.  We just don´t want to be left by our Selves. One of the most healing lessons I´ve learnt this year was that staying with someone – even though you know deep inside you that you will never be able to respect them and love them the way they deserve to be respected and loved – just because you don´t want to be alone, is the greatest act of betrayal you can commit against the other person´s heart and against your own. You are not valuing yourself enough and so you don´t know how to respect the right of the other person to be loved the way they deserve to be loved. You are blocking their happiness and yours, because you´re coming from fear, lack and scarcity. Once you heal yourself from looking for love in all the wrong places, you´re going to realize that you don´t want anything less than what is reflecting who you are in your heart. When you are living from a place of integrity, you don´t want to stand in the way of the other person´s happiness either. Hence listen to your heart and let the person go. You know you were being selfish, and now is the time to set both of you free, so that what´s yours can come to you once you are available to it.

You´ll never know how to love someone else without loving yourself first. Ok, now you may say: “But I already love myself, so can I finally get that special someone else to love?” I have to admit that I´ve been at this exact place and I´ve asked this exact question at least a hundred times. I thought that I had it all figured out and that I loved myself enough not to fall into the romance searching trap again. As always life is the best teacher and the next circumstance you´re going to find yourself in is going to show you were you´re at. Let me tell you this: If you have to lower your standards even an inch, so the other person can reach it, you don´t love yourself enough.  If you have to suppress what you know to be the truth in your heart, in order not to offend them, you´re not loving yourself enough. If you let them treat you in a way your family and friends would never allow you to be treated, oh my, you´ re far from loving yourself enough. I´ve seen this so many times in my life and in the lives of my friends – we women, desire the experience of love so much that we´re literally ready to “offer” ourselves to the first decently looking candidate who´s going to cross our path. Word painful is an understatement for this kind of behavior. It suffocates our soul. It crushes our hearts into pieces. But most importantly, it is blocking our connection with God and with the truth of who we really are.

I know you´re tired of belittling yourself, tired of squeezing yourself into the expectations of others and tired of looking for the love in a world that doesn´t even know what´s the meaning of this word. You were terrified of being alone because you didn´t know that the whole universe resides in your soul. God knows your heart and he´s heard your prayer for love and his answer is always the one that you really want. If you should only remember one thing let it be this: It´s going to be your love that will heal you in the end. You´ll be sustained and surrounded by the love overflowing from your own heart and it´s going to be your love that will heal the world and that will bring a life to the lifeless, a soothing to the hurt and a healing to the wounded. One woman, who´s realized for herself that she´s the love of her life, has the power to manifest the miracles and in her presence the whole universe is going to sing a never-ending song of love, because the world is only going to mirror what she´s found inside.

Therefore, give yourself a break and don´t even look for anyone for a while. Learn to love the one you´re with right now – your own precious adorable Self. Why do you want someone else to be with you, when you don´t know how to be in your own presence, yet, without running away from it? Don´t be fooled by what the world believes. You don´t owe anyone an explanation for living the life that´s true to who you are in the moment. You were given this time to learn to love yourself and to build a clear connection with your Creator. If you don´t know where to begin, I suggest you start looking for this connection in your heart. Until you´re willing to share your love with every single human being, animal or flower that you get to meet, your work is not finished.

After you´ve spent some time with yourself you might one day meet someone who´ll tell you that they love being with you. And you know your work is finished when your response is: “I love being with me, of course you love being with me, too! Who would not love being with me?”

You are your love and your joy and your truth.


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